Overwhelmingly Hard

Funny how two years ago my biggest trial was waiting for that positive pregnancy test. It seems so long ago. It's nice that I'm now at a time where I can look back and know that that is over.The thing about life is that trails don't end. You might go through life feeling like you're currently free of them but those moments always seem to be brief. Lately has been a little rough for me. I'm a planner. Always have been and for me to not know what is going to happen to us this year is tough. I do know that everything will work out and turn out okay but I'd really like to know how. We have so much going on. Each individual thing is something that we could handle yet when everything is happening at the exact same time it can be so overwhelming. Which is how I have been feeling. Extremely overwhelmed. Here's just a snippet of our life right now.

- Waiting to hear back about grad school is stressful. Hopes are high, then they are low, then they are high again and it's just a big rollercoaster ride. We haven't heard back from any yet and we'd really like to. As of right now we don't know where we will be this fall. Will we be starting grad school in another state? Start school here in Utah? Or come up with another plan if grad school isn't in the books for us this year.

- Being pregnant at this time was not our plan but it's happening. Because we're still waiting on grad school I don't know if I'll be delivering this baby here in Utah this August or if it will be on the other side of the United States. Of course this baby's due date happens to fall in August when everything with grad school would be starting. To be honest I've been so caught up with stress that I haven't even been able to feel connected with this baby yet and that has been hard with my mom guilt. I want to feel excited about this new little bundle in our family but it's been hard. I keep telling myself that maybe it will come when we find out the gender, or maybe it will come when I find out where we will be living.

- Part two of pregnancy. My other worry is trying to plan how we will transition from being a family of four to a family of five. Right now we wouldn't be able to fit our family in the vehicle we drive. With three kids in three car seats we would not be able to fit unless we purchase a minivan. The problem is that we can't afford a new minivan. Both of our cars are paid off so having no car payments has been amazing. Well that will change once we eventually and inevitably purchase a bigger car for us. We also don't have much room in the place we live right now. We'd have to stick three kids in one bedroom which can be doable but not ideal.

- I've been so stressed about trying to figure out how we'd fit in our place if we stay in Utah and then we found out that this place isn't even going to be an option for us anymore. A big company has offered 1.8 million dollars for the storage units and this apartment and it's too good of an offer for Danny's relatives to pass up. I understand that and I don't blame them. This place isn't even worth that so I can see why they would want to accept it. This company is also paying in cash which means that the process becomes a lot shorter with them skipping all the loan steps. We have thirty days to find a new place. Danny and I have been searching daily but the problem we are running into is that we cannot commit to a year lease when we don't even know if we will be here six months from now. Out of all the things we're going through, this is the hardest. Probably because all those other little things impact this one the most. 

I'm a big time planner. It's part of my identity. I wish that I could be a go with the flow type of person but I'm really not. I'm lucky and blessed that with everything going on a problem that I do not have is marital issues. Danny and I are solid. We are in this together. The best part is that he's positive and hopeful. Which is really good when I've been an emotional wreck. I don't know how he's going through everything with a hormonal emotional pregnant wife at his side. He's a trooper and I need more of his spirit. This is our life right now. I'll repeat that I do believe everything will work out, I just wish I knew how.

Gratitude

Well I’m so pleased to say that patience and hope have gotten me through a trial that lasted about seven months and now it’s over! I’m immensely grateful for current blessings in my life right now. We just found out we are expecting another baby which is what I have been focusing my prayers on for quite a while now. It’s easy to feel grateful right now in my life but what I realize is that gratitude is something we must have during all times of our lives. Even the hard times. It’s hard to feel grateful when you feel like your prayers aren’t being answered or that your righteous desire is being overlooked. I got to a point where it was easier to feel picked on and hurt instead of looking to understand God’s plan for me. I want to feel grateful for all things and not just when a specific blessing comes my way.

I decided to look up talks that would help me understand how I can be better about feeling gratitude during times where it may be hard to feel grateful and I found a wonderful quote by Elder Uchtdorf. He said, “Sooner or later, I believe that all of us experience times when the very fabric of our world tears at the seams, leaving us feeling alone, frustrated, and adrift. It can happen to anyone. No one is immune. We can be grateful. Everyone’s situation is different, and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious. We can be grateful!”. He goes on to add, “It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding.”

I want and need to remember that gratitude is not something I should just feel when something happens that benefits me. Elder Uchtdorf mentioned something that I found insightful when he said that we can make a personal choice on whether or not we are going to limit our gratitude based on the blessings we feel we lack. Or we can choose to have an unfaltering grateful heart. The choice is ours. We have the power to choose to be grateful in any circumstance we might find ourselves in. Being grateful might not change the circumstance but it will change your heart. Not only will it change your heart but it can also heal you and bring you peace even in the middle of trials. Gratitude if allowed can be more powerful than disappointment, discouragement and despair. I made the mistake of waiting to express gratitude until after my prayers were answered. I could have chosen to express gratitude a month ago, two months ago and even seven months ago when I got my first negative pregnancy test. I allowed myself to go through a dark time where I could have been using gratitude to help me feel the peace that I desperately needed a few months ago. Being grateful during hard times does not mean that you are happy with the situation you’re in, but it does mean that you have faith in God and his plan for you.

Those who are grateful are happier people. I’m grateful that a few months ago I felt the need to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I’m grateful for the topics I’ve studied (adversity, patience, hope) because this helped me feel peace in my circumstance and I did feel closer to my father in heaven. I’m grateful for future topics I will study. I’m grateful for my husband, my daughter and now soon to be new family member. Life is good. And in the future if I ever lose sight and think that life is not as good as I would like, I’ll have to remember that gratitude can be felt in any circumstance and at any time.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng

Hope

In my recent ongoing personal trial, I have been praying and hoping for something that has yet to happen for us. Because of this I was losing patience, hence the reason for my first two topics. Through learning that trials are needed and that patience has to do with God’s timetables over ours I have come to believe that it is still okay to hope. It’s also okay to feel a little sad if what we hope for doesn’t happen yet. We just need to be careful about this emotion turning into bitterness and leading us away from Christ and our Heavenly Father. 

On the church’s website it points out that the meaning of hope is often misunderstood in our world today. We often think of hope as wanting something but not being sure that the thing will happen or come true. In the gospel the word hope is seen as unwavering and sure. The exact definition of hope on LDS.org is ‘the confident expectation of and longing for the promised blessings of righteousness’. The word confident sticks out to me. I usually use the worldly definition of hope in my day to day life. My hope is usually followed with a hint of doubt. It turns out that I didn’t understand this word myself.

When we have hope, we TRUST God’s promises. Real hope is more than just wishful thinking. Hope is having the assurance that if we do “the works of righteousness,” we “shall receive our reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come” (D&C 59:23). In chapter 7 of the book of Moroni we are taught that we can have hope because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ: “What is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise” (Moroni 7:41).

Something new that I learned about hope is that it can be strengthened. Hope can be strengthened through keeping the commandments, studying scriptures, praying, and repenting of our sins. In Alma 22:16 we read “if thou wilt repent of all thy sins, and will bow down before God, and call on His name in faith, believing that ye shall receive, then shalt thou receive the hope which thou desirest”.

In a 1998 general conference talk Elder Neal A. Maxwell described hope as a realistic anticipation which takes the form of a determination – not only to survive adversity but, moreover to endure well to the end.

I have hope that my trial will pass. It’s because of hope that I can continue to develop patience. I have hope that I’ll receive the blessings that were promised to me. I can use hope to help me get by day to day. In my opening paragraph I wrote that I believe it is okay to still hope when things don’t go the way we would like, but now I know that we must hope. It is because of hope that we can see past the here and now and focus on an eternal perspective. 

I do want to mention that feeling sadness during adversity is not a weakness. It's perfectly okay to feel sorrow. I once read a blog that pointed out that the shortest verse in the scriptures is two words. "Jesus wept". Christ was not lacking in faith of his own divine power. He was not questioning his Father or falling to weakness. Christ wept because he felt sorrow. 

This very week I had a moment of sadness come over me, but that moment did not take away from my hope. We cannot know joy without pain, happiness without grief. Hope is knowing that what God has planned is far much better than what we could ever anticipate; even if right now might be difficult. 

https://www.lds.org/topics/hope?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/10/hope-through-the-atonement-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng

Adversity

I have learned a lot about myself as I have grown the desire to strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven. However, some of those things are not very pleasant. My biggest flaw is that I seem to feel a sense of entitlement. I recognize and dislike this part about myself. It’s been a lot of work to overcome this, or at least try to overcome it since I still haven’t fully done it. My problem is that sometimes I expect blessings. I act like I deserve blessings for each commandment kept or each good deed done. Occasionally I expect answers to prayers just because the prayer was made. I’m learning that this is not how it works. Yes, God wants to infinitely bless us, but these forms of blessings will not always be in the form we would wish to receive them.

I read an article about adversity in this month’s February issue of the Ensign and came across the following quote.

“Sometimes we wonder about the purpose for trials and suffering. Adversity is necessary in our Heavenly Father’s plan to help us grow spiritually and become more like the Savior. His atonement makes it possible for us to be purified as we keep His commandments and our sacred covenants. By exercising faith in Jesus Christ, we receive strength to rise through every trial. I feel privileged to know I can find evidences of God’s love for me in the good and the bad, the joy and the suffering.”

Some adversities will be easier to manage than others, while other adversities will appear to be impossible. I’m currently going through a personal trial that up until the last couple of weeks felt unbearable. I felt alone, misunderstood, miserable and forgotten. I felt like giving up until I heard a member bear her testimony of an experience where she felt alone and devastated. She was involved in an accident where she was left paralyzed. She made a decision during her hospital stay that she was not going to give up. She talked about her relationship with God and how this trial strengthened their relationship. It made me realize that I needed to humble myself. I wanted to confidently say that my relationship with God was strong and great. It has been in the past but my stubbornness was turning into bitter and I was only distancing myself from Him when I should have been running towards Him. I had been feeling forgotten because I was feeling like my prayers weren’t being answered in the way that I wanted. After hearing that testimony I knew that I needed to change my ways. I never stopped praying to God but I cannot say that each of my prayers were containing the amount of faith I needed to put into my prayers. I have since changed that. I am working on my relationship with my Heavenly Father because when it comes down to it this is the most important relationship I can and need to have. I have felt better about myself and will continue to humble myself. I have a testimony in blessings and I know that they will come in one form or another. This knowledge is enough to get me through the hard times.

The Apostle James taught, ‘Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up’ (James 4:10).

I decided to search the word ‘adversity’ on the church’s website and I loved what I read. I learned that it’s okay to feel saddened or discouraged. In fact, these feelings are needed and part of life. Adversity is explained as part of Heavenly Father’s plan of redemption. I read that trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness, and heartaches are a difficult part of life, but with the help of the Lord they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress.

The important thing is how we act in these times of hardships. Our happiness hugely depends on our responses during difficult times. I have been guilty of complaining and becoming bitter when things get tough. I have asked ‘why me?’ and ‘why now?’ or more recently ‘why not now?’ when wanting a specific answer to a prayer. But we know why. We know the road back is not going to be easy. Considering how great the reward will be one day it would make sense that the road wouldn’t be easy. The trials we face could come at a time of righteous living, or caused by someone else’s actions, or could have been avoided altogether but was created by our own doings. Sometimes the trials could even come from a loving Heavenly Father as a teaching experience. Whatever the reason or cause of the trial there is one thing we can rely on. Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. The gospel is not there to prevent hard times from coming but to help strengthen and guide us when they do come (Al Carraway).

The prophet Alma taught, “Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day” (Alma 36:3).

I needed these words and this topic this month. We need to replace what we don’t know about the future or outcomes of our trials with what we DO know about God. We have been promised in D&C 78:18 “be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.”. 

"Because you are covenant-keeping sons and daughters of God, living in the latter part of these latter days, the Lord will ask you to do difficult things. You can count on it."
- President Nelson